


Of Pride and Pain

by ZombieBunny (Zombie_Bunny)



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:40:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26325055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zombie_Bunny/pseuds/ZombieBunny
Summary: After the war Zell is haunted by memories and emotions time compression brought back. Unable to face bis demons he loses control of his life and finds himself in a mental health facility where he meets a person he never wanted to see again in his life.
Relationships: Seifer Almasy/Zell Dincht
Comments: 5
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first fanfiction. English isn't my first language so I'm sorry for the mistakes I make. I hope my writing will improve with practice.

It took a long time till he admitted to himself that he was a complete mess. And even then it just increased his stubbornness. He was angry at Squall and everyone. He was a mess and he felt humiliated. He was a mess. Why did he still feel this stubborn sense of pride? He was strong, it had taken him a lot of work and time to get strong and he never wanted to be weak again.

Zell lay on the too soft bed staring at the ceiling. His arms and legs felt heavy. At the same time he wanted to move, fingers twitching, urging to do something. The headache he had for days did not help. He had begged for painkillers, but they declined him strong ones and the weak ones did nothing for him. Desperately he buried his head in his hands digging his fingernails into his skin. The sharp pain made the dull constant pain of the headache more bearable. "Fuck all...", he muttered. It's been a week since he was admitted, after two weeks he had spent in the hospital. While he couldn't remember the first few days, his mind had cleared up slowly over the weeks. It took all his effort not to stop thinking. He had to kill every thought that tried to form in his head. Thinking was the last thing he wanted to do.

  
Feeling annoyed he stood up, got to the ground and started making sit ups. He felt sick, his muscles ached and he could feel every bone of his spine on the hard ground. The painful sensation was a welcome change. He needed to clear his mind, kill that image of Squall's panicked face, kill the memory of smelling like sweat and sick, kill that image of Quistis disappointed face, kill the feeling of guilt that grew in his stomach when he lied to Selphie again, kill the shame. And kill every memory the time compression brought back in a jumbled mess that had been to neatly erased by the power of the G.F.s

'Mister Dincht, we know it is a difficult time, but please take your meals in the mensa. It's not good to stay in the room all day.' He didn't bother to look at her. 'Do you need further assistance?' The nurse sounded friendly but he could sense that she felt clearly that he was being difficult on purpose. He eyed the neatly folded brochure on his bedside table. Only the best mental health facility for one of the heroes of the war. Of course. He hadn't even touched it. STill, he wasn't in the mood for discussions. 'No, no problem. I just wasn't feeling like it. I promise to go today.', he grinned sheepishly. The nurse looked a bit sceptic, but then smiled 'Take your time to settle in and get comfortable. The weather is so nice today...if you sit around being gloomy you can sit around being gloomy and have some fresh air.' She winked and left him alone.

The facility was nice and clean. Too clean and bright and boring for most people, but good for a neatfreak like him. When he arrived at the cafeteria there were only two other people sitting for themselves at a corner. Despite not having eaten much the last few weeks, he wasn't really hungry. Hist stomach got used to little food and he liked the feeling of lightheadedness the hunger gave him. It meant less thinking. Another nurse saw him and waved. He didn't like the feeling that everyone knew him. 'Miss Jones told me you wanted to get some food. It's great you came!' She smiled enthusiastically. He wanted to answer but she kept talking 'The body and soul needs energy! Don't worry, I bring you your portion.' Like on autopilot he sat down. The nurse reminded him of his mom, there was no use talking back. She was already back with a tray of food. 'It's a light diet meal. You can have other stuff, of course when you feel up to it.' He felt while staring at the meal. His heart sank and he wanted to go back to his room. 'We won't watch you eat. We trust you.' He didn't dare to look up at her or say anything. He felt like a child getting caught doing something he wasn't allowed.

  
In the end he ate nearly all of it. The chicken broth was actually nice, he was surprised how much he enjoyed it. He took his time. There was nothing for him to do anyway. The two people went away, another person came and drank a coffee, staring with an empty gaze at nothing. Like he didn't belong to this world. Just like Zell. He felt so detached it took him some time to stand up, not knowing where to go he just walked and ended up in the garden, he had seen from the windows of the halls. There was a lawn but also many shadowy places with benches. It was a simple garden, well kept with nothing exotic that would be high maintenance. It smelt of grass and damp soil. The sun was out and it was breezy. The birds were chirping happily. He heard steps, someone was watering the plants. Walking into another person was the last thing he wanted to do, but it was too late to hide away. A tall man was appearing from behind a corner. His heart stopped. Mouth agape he stared at the man. He wore plain clothes, spotted a buzz cut and a prominent scar on his face, a slash between his eyes, over his nose. The face of the other man showed recognition and disbelief. A few seconds passed. Zell started to breath again, emotions, mainly rage starting to bubble up. 'Ah, the chicken.' The tall man finally started with a spur of confusion. 'You got your hair down.' Zell starred. 'And you look like shit. I mean, that doesn't have anything to do with the hair. Just...' That was it. Zell exploded.


	2. Chapter 2

His fist that had collided with Seifers face still throbbed. A few other parts hurt and started to get slightly blue. Two nurses had come running and one hit him with a sleep spell or something. He shouldn't have shouted so much. Still sleepy Zell lay in his bed, he was sure he gave him something other than a sleep spell because he didn't feel angry, but he was pretty sure that he was angry and very annoyed.That asshole was watering flowers like he had no care in the world. No problem there, nope. He should rot in some cell underground, like in one of the desert prison cells they were held. The cell that smelled like piss and fear, with dried blood from some bastard that was there before and didn't make it out. And with the guards just waiting so show you who is the boss. He shook away the bad memories. Why was Seifer here? He could never forgive him. He had gone way too far. Seifer had always been an arrogant ass, he could maybe forgive him being an arrogant ass. But he could not forgive someone willing to kill friends and comrades to fuel his addiction to power. Zell drifted off to sleep and awoke when one the male nurses checked on him. 'Feeling better?' Zell blinked the sleep away 'I guess...?' 'I'm sure the doctors will find out what triggered your outburst and help you deal with your feelings better.' The young man laughed awkwardly 'I mean it can happen to the best of us. We all have those days. Haha.' Zell just looked at him confused. 'What? Don't you know what he did?' 'Oh, mister Connor mentioned that you might have mistook him for someone. Well call when you need me, and don't forget to apologize to Mister Connor, you gave us all a scare.' Before Zell could process the information the nurse had already left. Mister Connor? Really? He searched through his belongings. He didn't know who packed his stuff, but whoever was it had put much thought into it. He found a small notebook and left his room. Breathless he arrived at the single public telephone. He punched the numbers in with such force his finger got red and started to hurt. The seconds stretched while he listened at the dial tone. Finally a crack. 'Trepe, hel-' 'Quistis! Dafuck!' he burst out. 'Zell...what?' 'I cannot fucking believe this!' 'Zell, calm down...what's wrong?' He hadn't talked to Quistis in a while, not really talked. Suddenly he missed when everything had been simpler. 'Quistis...' 'Zell...how are you? What happened? ... I'm glad to hear from you.' He missed her, but he was still angry. He took a deep breath. 'Seifer is here why? Why is Seifer Almasy here?!' There was a silence on the other line, for a moment he thought that the connection got lost. 'Zell...' she sounded unsure. 'You knew!' 'Zell, please.' You weren't supposed to meet him, since you are on different stations and Seifer is...well...a special case.' 'Really? I wasn't supposed to meet him? Is this like a stupid game?' He couldn't quite believe what he heard and it made him angry. 'Zell, calm down. Have some trust and Squall and me. Seifer is there because it the safest place for him and the people around him. He cannot be on his own. I know you, Zell. You don't want him dead either, do you? We need to learn what happened during the war. So that it won't happen again. Think of matron and how she got manipulated.' ' Seifer wasn't manipulated though. He acted on his own.' Zell stated bluntly. 'How can you be so sure?' 'You can't be sure, either.' he countered stubbornly. '...No, but I want to believe in the good of people. And I want to believe that people can change for the better. I saw many of my tudents struggle, some failed, some came out stronger.' His mind failed to answer to her eloquent words. He should counter with some wise words. 'I punched him.', he said instead. ' You what?' 'I'm not sorry. And I won't apologize. Might punch again.' 'Zell...please. Listen...I can visit you this weekend. Do you feel up for it? I'd love to talk to you in person and make sure your well.' Somehow Quistis had managed to calm him down. She was like a big sister, always reasonable, always taking care that everyone went along. 'I'm fine. I...I'd like to meet you, too.' He could feel her smiling. 'Great. See you then.'


	3. Chapter 3

He felt sick, tired and restless. Simply existing felt bad. The few short appointments with the doctors were inconvenient. He didn't want to talk about stuff. It made his heart race and break out in cold sweat. He just existed. Sometimes minutes and hours were missing from his memory. Maybe it was for the best. He couldn't remember how 'normal' felt like. What was it like to not have headaches, how was it like to not feel dizzy and sick constantly? in his mind he was screaming as loud as he could to drown everything out.

It was a friday and he was exhausted. He hadn't eaten yet and he didn't plan to eat anytime soon. On autopilot he walked to the garden to get some fresh air as he had trouble breathing.

As he sat on a small bench and stared at the grass at his feet he felt strangely calm. His vision blurred as tears formed on his eyes. He didn't know why. He blinked them away and took a deep breath. He felt a few strands of hair on his face as he didn't style his hair anymore. It didn't bother him, he felt like he could hide behind his hair as with his baggy clothes. Once he wanted everyone to see what a good kid he was, now he just wanted to be invisible. Fearing the tears would come again he stood up. Maybe too fast as he suddenly felt cold and a wave of nausea hit him. His legs gave in and before he could react he blacked out.  
How long was he out?

'Hey!' He heard the blood pumping in his ears and his lousy attempt at 'breathing'.

'Hey! You hear me?' Grass stuck to his face. Great, he felt sick. A hand was on his shoulder, only touching him slightly. His breathing got faster despite his efforts to calm down. He felt like throwing up. Hyne, he wished he could just throw up here and now if it meath feeling better.

'Hey, don't die on me or something, chicken.' 'What?' Zell wanted to say but only managed to force out a whimper.

'No...' he managed at a second attempt. 'What 'no'?' His body wanted to flee but his arms were too weak to lift him up. His hands started shaking. He must look really pathetic right now.

'Fuck, I hate you.' Don't start crying, stop shaking.

'Go away.' Silence, then fingertips leaving his shoulder. 'I get a doctor, stay where you are.'

Luckily he did not see him again that day. Zell got an infusion which made him feel better. He knew he had fucked up. He knew they would keep a close eye on him from now on. Even more than before. He had fucked up by not eben being able to stay hydrated.

Why couldn't he just pretend? Just enough to get out? Get out and simply go somewhere where no one knew him. Feeling defeated he decided he would try to get better.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the short chapters, I still struggle with writing.  
> Zell finally gets his visit from Quistis <3

The night before Quistis' visit Zell got anxious. What should they talk about? He felt both shame and anger, but even worse was the feeling of anxiety he couldn't shake off. It got so bad he felt like he'd drop dead any moment.  
When Quistis arrived at the visitor center, she instantly hugged him before he could react or say anything. She smiled at him with tears in her eyes.  
'I'm so glad to see you!'  
'Sorry you had to come all the way here...you must be busy and all.'

She looked a bit pained at his reply but said nothing. An awkward silence hung in the air. When she finally stated 'Zell, it's no problem.' he had nearly forgotten his own remark already.  
'I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me.' he said after a while, still not able to look into her eyes.

'Ah!' she exclaimed suddenly. 'I brought you some books! We know you love reading.' She got a stack of books out of her bag and placed them with a loudly on the table. As he didn't react she shoved the little book tower further to him and smiled.

  
'I hope you like them.'

Zell grabbed the books and looked at each of them. All were new and unread in pristine condition. She had brought them new, rather than getting some used or from the library.

'We have a library here, too.' he wanted to say but stopped himself.

'Thank you. They look really interesting.' he said instead. And they really were. He was impressed that she spent so much effort to get books of his liking. It made him both happy but also feel guilty at the same time.

  
'If I can do something for you, now or ever, please tell me. Even if I can't reply immediately I will do all I can.' Quistis assured him.

He believed her. That's how Quistis was. She appeared cold and strict at first glance but she always put herself second and cared a lot about the people around her. She was like a big sister and Zell was glad that she had come. It made him feel more grounded in reality to have her Herr and she didn't push him to talk about stuff he didn't fell ready for. It started to feel like a normal date in a cafeteria, just a normal chat between friends. They talked about mundane things as If nothing had happened. It was more curiosity than bravery when Zell changed the subject to Seifer.

  
'How long is he here anyway? Why did you know? It's so bizarre...'

Quistis got a bit nervous, maybe because she remembered how angry Zell was when he had found out about their former enemy being here.

'At the trials...we fought for him to not get executed. And we feared he wouldn't survive long in prison... I know you hate him. Many do. You know... I respect Squall alot. I don't think he will ever forgive Seifer but he still chose to help him. I mean he is our brother.'

It was strange to him that she called him a brother. Were they all family just because they grew up in the same orphanage? What was family? It had always seemed like a fragile concept to him. He just wanted to belong and had always worked hard to please everyone and stick to the rules.

  
' You and Squall are better people than I am it seems. '  
' Don't say that. Selphie and Irvine don't know about it either. We don't want to hurt them with painful memories. And I'm sorry that you got hurt. Especially know that you need to focus on your health and well-being.'

  
'I'm fine...I saw him only once... It just pissed me off. He sure has it comfortabele here. Nice comfy prison.' The bitter note in his words seemed to hurt her.

  
'He'd rather be free...' It wasn't fair that Seifer got treated like this. He didn't deserve Quistis kindness.

  
'You visit him?' He could see Quistis fighting for Seifer not to get executed, because she simply was this much of a nice person. But after all that Seifer had done and how much he used to be an ass to her, he really wondered how their relationship had come to this. That guy used to be borderline vicious towards her even before the war. Zell couldn't picture Seifer being grateful to anyone and didn't want Quistis to get hurt by him.

  
'I visited a few times... but not very often. Matron is too weak to travel.' Cid and Edea lived very secluded since the end of the war. He knew Edea had goten frail but now he wondered how bad her health really was.  
' Matron was the only one Seifer ever trusted and listened to. In the end that was his downfall...'

Zell looked at her.' 'Youremember...' She smiled.

  
'I was lucky I guess. The time compression brought me many memories. Not only good ones but also ones I cherish and don't want to miss again. Matron did care so much for us.'

Zell couldn't remember a time someone talked so open about their feelings to him. It was also the first time they talked about the time compression. He wondered if she thought he remembered as much as her.

'Sorry. I don't remember well.' A feeling of dread started to rise in him.  
'It's ...all jumbled...and scary. So I think it's best that I don't remember.' His hands started to shake slightly. He looked away, feeling weak.  
'Zell...I'm sorry...' she said biting her lip.

  
'Don't say that...don't say you're sorry. It's not your fault I'm...' I'm me, he finished in his head.They talked for while shifting their subjects to more shallow topics. Quistis told him some Garden news, about Rinoa, Squall and the others making him feel better again. When it came the time to say goodbye he asked her  
' You visit him, too?' Quistis nodded.

For the rest of the day he wondered what the two of them talked about.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seifer annoys Zell.

The next day he tried reading one of the books Quistis gave him. He knew he loved reading, still he had trouble concentrating and had to read the sentences again and again. When he was younger he used to be very restless. Many exams he failed or nearly failed because of nervousness. But he was sure he used to read a lot and had enjoyed getting lost in the stories and foreign worlds. Training and reading had helped him contain his nervous energy and calm down. When did he lose this ability? When had reading had become so hard to do? Maybe he remembered wrong and that was a completely different person. With so many memories missing or being messed up he often wondered what was true and what not. He was sure Quistis would ask him about the books, so he had to try for her. He took some paper and started to skribble names and plot points as he read. He would never skribble in the books themselves and took great care not to bend the spine too much. It would take ages to read the book this way but it wasn't like he had anything better to do.

The second day after he started the book he sat in the small cozy library. His notes had grown, but he still wasn't even halfway done with the novel. He was slow but at least he could follow the story and slowly he was starting to blend out his surroundings and focus on his task at hand. Suddenly a shiver ran down his spine.

'That's hilarious. How did you pass SEED without even being able to read properly?', someone whispered in his ear and he watched in shock as Seifer sat down in front of him.

'Piss off!', Zell said louder than he had intended.

'Shh. This is a library.' Smirking Seifer pointed to the sign asking people to be quiet.

'You asshole. What do you want? Get lost!' Zell said as quiet as he could in his anger.

'Quistis gave you books?' Seifer grabbed the book to inspect its cover ignoring Zells anger completely.

'Wow. It's even a book for adults...'

Zell exhaled sharply.

'What do you want?' he tried again between gritted teeth, tearing the book away from Seifers hands who was still unimpressed. Seifer tilted his head slightly simply looking at him. There was no malice in his eyes. Zell stared back angrily at the other man's blank expression. The red of Seifers scar had turned to a more purple color but was still very prominent. His face looked slimer which made him look older. The hair was shorter than Zell remembered it, but overall Seifer looked very much the same as before the war.

Zell got nervous as he had no idea what the others intention was.

'Really...what do you want?'

'Just having a talk. That's all.' Seifer said at last.

'Tsk. Why do you think I would like to talk to you?'

Seifer shrugged. 'I don't know. It gets pretty boring here after some time.'

Zell rolled his eyes. 'What now? Mister traitor is bored...how sad. Feeling lonely, too?'

To his surprise Seifer just shrugged and left it at that.

'You don't deserve Quistis kindness. If you hurt her I fucking kill you.'

'You jealous?' Seifer contered without much effort.

Zell stared at him with his mouth open. That bastard was sitting there shittalking as if nothing had ever happened. Zell glared at him.

'I'm not jealous! I just don't see why she even bothers with you.'

Seifer leaned back in his chair as if he was thinking about an answer.

'She is too nice for her own good. It's a pity. She is clever, but she'll never be happy if she continues to put herself last.'

Zell was too surprised to say anything. That was a very fitting observation and he felt bad immediately that he was yet another worry of Quistis.

'What I mean is: I didn't ask for it. Unlike you I'm no mama's-boy.'

'I'm not! I can take care of myself!' There, asshole-Seifer was back.

'Really? You sure as hell don't look like it.' With that Seifer got up. 'So long, chicken!' he simply said, leaving an angry and confused Zell behind.

After their encounter Zell couldn't focus on his book anymore. His mind was occupied with think about better comebacks he should have screamed at Seifer and the fantasy of knocking that annoying smirk from his face with a nice punch. Still, he was utterly confused what to make of their conversation. Seifer had always like to provoke people. His whole body language and demenour screamed 'come at me if you dare!'. At first one might even find it cool but it got old pretty fast. Where you saw self-confidence before you started to see only arrogance.

Personally Zell hated people who thought they were better than everyone else and used their power to put others down instead of helping them. He also felt Seifer had broken rules just to piss people off. And even when he stuck to the rules, it was to piss off people, too. Really...who thought this whole disciplinary committee was good idea? It had always frustrated Zell to no end that Seifer had perfect grades seemingly without much effort. He was not only good with the written exams but was a very talented fighter. So much potential wasted on such a shit character.

Despite sharing many classes Zell couldn't remember them ever having a proper conversation. All his memories of them talking was Seifer teasing him, or Seifer being annoyed at Seifer spewing nonsense. With so many of Seifers remarks being sarcastic or exaggerated he had always wondered how serious he meant the stuff he said. Zell wondered how others saw him back then. Most of the SEED cadets were orphans that had enrolled garden when they were kids because they had no other place to go. He must have seemed like a spoiled child to them.

In the end they were all just kids pretending to be grown up. They thought they were some tough soldiers, some super skilled special elite. They didn't know yet what it meant to fight for your life. How brave were you, when there was a gun pointed at you. With a gun at your temple and a finger ready to shoot you did stuff no matter how sick it made you feel, no matter how much you hated yourself afterwards.

Had that really happened? There were vague memories with missing pieces but even stronger feelings.

He couldn't sleep that night. A feeling that something sinister was waiting for him in the dark was too strong.


	6. Chapter 6

After the war everything was good. Finally there was peace. The world had not ended, there was a tomorrow waiting with endless possibilities. They had been running without rest and could finally stop. It wasn't the circumstances that dictated their next moves anymore. They could make plans and shape thir future as they wished. They could hold still for a while and just live. They could enjoy their days without fear.  
Quistis wanted to be an instructor again. She opened up spending more time with her friends and pupils. Selphie on the other got a bit calmer, but was still full of energy. She had spent some time travelling with Irvine before she went to Trabia to help with rebuilding the Garden. Irvine had matured and at Selphies side was equally determined to make Garden a better place.

Squall eradiated confidence with Rinoa by his side. The sorceress was graceful, kind and had kept her innocent charm despite everything they went through.

Zell looked at them with envy. He had always admired Squall. He never cared what others thought about him. He was skilled. He was cool. He was good looking. When they were assigned to the same team for the SEED exam Zells heart had made a happy, nervous leap because that was his chance to make friends with the other. He could show Squall his best side and impress him. He would give his all. "Don't fuck this up." he had reminded him again and again. Still... he had fucked up, again and again. Maybe there was no good side to show. He had only shown that he was immature, that he was a coward and that he talked before thinking endangering their Garden and the civilians in Balamb. He let Squall witness how he lost it in the desert prison. He had tried his best to be useful anyway, to be of worth, if only a tiny bit. Just enough so that he could tag along.

It wasn't like he was not happy for Squall and Rinoa, but he couldn't stop envying them. He wished to be more like Squall, always had. And it was always an unreachable goal. Now, Squall had grown into an even person larger than life the distance between them seemed to grow bigger with every day.

The time after the war was a nice change of pace. Everything slowed down. There was a celebration. Alcohol flowed and emotions were running high. Even Squall warmed up and showed his affection for Rinoa in public. He held her in a casual embrace, his hand resting on her hip. They were talking to each other smiling. Rinoa laughed and leaned over for a kiss. Their lips met and Zell couldn't look away. It felt like watching something forbidden. It hurt but he continued watching. It hurt and he didn't understand why. He only knew that he had to drink more. The more he drank, the lesser the pain became. The more he drank the better he liked the world around him. He stopped wondering what the girl from the library, tipsy from just two glasses of champagne, saw in him. As the night went on, he didn't care anymore who he was making out with. She should get what she wanted. He just acted, ignoring her slight shy resistance when his hand found its way under her top. Her skin felt so soft and warm.

Yes, after the war everyone was happy and everything was good.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Zell looked out of the window of the facility. Zell found the raindrops beating on the windows relaxing. He watched them running down the glass, one faster than the other.Quistis was talking to him o the phone.

'I'm sorry I can't visit this weekend...'

'It's no problem, Quistis. I'm feeling good and I'm still busy with the books you gave me. Thanks again.' Absent minded Zell tried to untangle the cord of the phone. It was no use. Too many people have played with it and tangled it beyond repair. It annoyed him.

'You like them so far?'

'Um. They are great.'

'I'm glad. You know I only read shitty romance novels. My guilty pleasure. SO good that they are good again.'

Zell let out a small laugh. 'Sure, pretend you like them unironically.'

He wasn't sure, if he was disappointed or relieved that Quistis could not make it. It was so calm and quiet here that his mind kept running in circles. He could use some distraction. At the same time he did like to spend his days in anonymity. He wondered how Squall was doing but didn't dare to ask. It was a stupid question anyway. Of course Squall was doing fine. He said goodbye to Quistis and hung up. He stared at the still tangled phone cable. Everything was fine.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mention of suicide attempt. very vague, but there

Like most days Zell was irritated. He gave up on reading for the time being and tried to keep his mind empty by exhausting himself with running. It did not help much since he was out of shape. His lungs were burning from just a few rounds. It just added to his frustration. When he saw Seifer sitting outside, long legs stretched out, a book in his hand sipping a cup of coffee like he belonged in a tourism commercial he could have strangled someone with his bare hands. It was so unfair.

He forced his lunch down. He wasn't hungry at all, he ate out of spite. The room was empty except for....He wanted to scream.

The third time he saw Seifer that day was near the restrooms. He simply lost it.

'Why the fuck do I keep running into you. Can't you just drop dead or something?' Zell was so angry he couldn't think straight anymore.

'Excuse me?' Seifer raised an eyebrow, irritated. Zell just glared at him, gritting his teeth so hard he could taste copper. 

'You really are crazy. Well, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Case of Chocobo brain?'

'Fuck you! I sure as hell don't belong here. I'm not a sociopath or lunatic like you!'

It satisfied Zell that Seifer started to look pissed, that guy didn't deserve a single happy moment. He couldn't take it anymore that he was better off than him.

'Hyne! You're the most pathetic try-hard I've ever encountered, Dincht. Isn't it exhausting?'

Zell growled and struck a blow. Seifer caught his fist easily and locked him in place. There was anger in his eyes. He tightened his grip painfully, his finger digging in the shorter man's hand.

'Pathetic punch. Letting yourself go?', he snarled. 

Seeing them so close, Seifers eyes were scary. Zell struggled trying to get away. The other man only drew closer and turned Zell's arms slightly. 

'Going to faint on me again?' his fingers dug into his wrist. Panic suddenly rose into Zell as Seifer lifted his arm up.

'I saw when I checked your pulse.' It was a simple sentence but Zell understood immediately. His eyes grew wide.

Seifer let him go and his arms simply fell down.

'That's pathetic even for you.', he stated flatly, the anger gone.

Everything else would have been fine. Everything else would have just fueled Zell's anger, would have made him feel at least that. But having his weakest moment on display seen by the person he hated most. Zell felt utterly defeated.

'What now? You gonna cry now?'

No he wouldn't cry. He was over that. He wouldn't cry, not in front of Seifer. He looked at the ground and focused on breathing.

'That was always your answer for everything. Cry, so that matron or Quistis would run to you. It was so annoying....Everything thought it was cute. Even got you adopted.'

Zell was unable to move. Why was Seifer talking about this now? How could he even remember the stuff from their childhood. Was this something that had really bothered him? Did Quistis think the same way about his childhood self?

'Your too old for that shit, chicken. It's not cute. It won't give you sympathy points anymore.'

The way he said it so matter of factly without any emotion made hearing the words even worse.

'Why so silent suddenly? You know I'm right.'

Zell gritted his teeth.

'You know nothing about me...' What a lame answer.

'I know stupid when I see it. And you are such a big pile of stupid, everyone can see from miles away.'

'Fuck you.' There was no enthusiasm in his voice. Seifer rolled his eyes.

'Really, what are you doing here, mister saved-the-world? You could just live your happy little life, with your happy little friends and your happy little family. Do whatever the fuck you want. Instead you are being a being an angsty littke fuck, feeling sorry for yourself and....this.' He vaguely to his wrist.

'I don't need to listen to you...' Zell's mind was blank, he regretted that he even started his argument with the other. He could have just walked away, or stayed in his room. He wanted to turn back time, just get away. As he tried to push past Seifer, he grabbed his arm stopping him in his tracks.

'This is what I mean. Stop acting like a child. I can't change what happened. I'm an ass. I can't change anything. I'll stay here forever. I can't change it. And that's fine.' He was finally letting his arm go.

'I don't even like you. But, fuck, Dincht, get a grip.' There was silence for a moment. 'If not for you, do it for whoever. For Quistis.' he added with a low voice.

'I can go now?' Zell almost whispered. head still low as he walked away.

Seifer was right. He was pathetic.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter about how Zell fell into his rather depressed state. This deals with his relationship with the library girl.  
> Sorry to be so slow....the next chapters will have more Seifer and Zell interaction :)

Their relationship had been a disaster. It didn't start out all that bad but right from the start Zell got annoyed when others congratulated him non-stop on his girlfriend. Fighting armies and monsters and even sorceresses, saving the world, who cares. Zell Dincht getting a girlfriend? Somehow that was the biggest accomplishment in his life. Noone had ever believed him when he had said that he just wasn't very interested in dating.

It was even worse with his mom. He didn't even know how she got wind of the whole thing considering he never said a word about it. His mom insisted they'd have dinner together and she treated the library girl with open arms as if she was part of the family. It was no wonder they got along so well. Both were sweet and kind eager to help others. The more they smiled the worse he felt. At first he didn't know why he felt bad, then he realized what he felt was guilt. He felt something he couldn't quite remember. Something that was very bad.

It took him a while to notice she smiled less and less. He brought her flowers and she smiled. When the weather got colder, he gifted her a scarf. She smiled and wore it daily. He even tried with a romantic night, but only the wine helped to make the sex less awkward.

They tiptoed around their problems, both doing what they thought would make the other happy. Others told them how cute and perfect they were for each other and they wanted to believe it themselves. It surprised Zell that it wasn't him who first burst out in frustrated anger. She had taken up all her courage to go down on him, maybe that was what he had been waiting for her to do the whole time. Instead she heard him whisper 'You don't have to do this.'

He didn't know that she was even capable of looking angry. But she did look angry and hurt. 'Am I that disgusting to you?'

She looked even more hurt when he didn't answer right away. 'No...no...that's not it.'

'Then what?' she snapped. He didn't say a word.

'Fuck you.' He saw tears glittering in her eyes but she turned away, got her stuff and left.

He gave her a big bouquet of flowers the next day. She smiled. He kissed her. The smile didn't reach her eyes, but at least she wasn't sad anymore and they were good at pretending.

After five months Zell started pestering Squall about wanting to do more missions outside. Squall seemed surprised but did everything to fulfill the wish of his comrade and friend.

It felt like he had held his breath for weeks. The tension in his neck and shoulders loosened and he could breathe again. Away from Balamb, away from Garden. Around him only people who didn't or barely knew him. Here he was simply a high ranked soldier working with other soldiers. He knew what he was supposed to do as was everyone else. Despite his muscles aching from hard work he found himself smiling.

For a while it worked out. When he came back he was in good spirits which helped their relationship but as he requested more and longer missions his time away became longer while his time at home became shorter and shorter.

'Are you sure? I don't want you overworking yourself...' Squall looked at him from behind the dark wooden desk that seemed too big a normal human yet was packed with piles of reports. Worry was written on his face.

Zell laughed. 'I always need action. You know how I am!' Squall raised a brow at that and sighed. 

'Do I?'

Five seconds. That's how long he could stand Squalls gaze. Still, he was sent on the mission he had applied for.

Before he left Rinoa came to see him off. She had never done this before. 'Zell...' She took his hand looking at the ground. 'You are my friend. You know that.' Her foot drew circles on the ground. 'At least break up with her. It's not fair what you are doing.' She hugged him suddenly. 'I don't want to see you both hurting.' she whispered into his ear.

He didn't break up. He could not do it.

After a few missions he had established a tradition of merry after work drinking. He had never liked drinking in Balamb. Not when the next day every single person in town knew every little embarrassing thing you did and said when you were drunk. Not when he had to sit through an hour-long stern talk with mom while having a hangover.

Later he learned why his mom hated alcohol so much. She was married before adopting him. He had always thought the mysterious man had died on duty or was a victim of the stormy sea like many fishermen before him. But no, there was no tragic story, no heroic death. He had simply liked alcohol more than his marriage and they parted ways. His mom never talked about it. Not because it brought her pain. She was longer over it. She had closed that chapter of her life and never wasted a single thought about it again. It was in the past and she had no regrets.

It was hard to have secrets in a small town like Balamb where everyone knew each other. It was also hard to have secrets in a crowded military academy, especially when you were still a cadet and had to share your room with whoever you were partnered with. Well, it had made Zell appreciate his own room in Balamb when he was younger.

With graduating came a single room and more privacy. But now, nothing beat the sense of freedom he felt being at the other side of the globe being called 'sir' by everyone, drinking till late at night without any consequences.

It took eleven months, three weeks and one day till she broke up with him under tears. Zell was surprised he felt nothing. He wasn't sad, nor happy, not relieved. He just did not care. What made it hard for him was the silent   
hostility he was met with by her friends and some colleagues. Even worse was the utter disappointment of his mom and friends. Even Rinoa with whom he had always gotten along became distant. She felt like he had let her on and should have ended the relationship way earlier. 

Well, for him it was just more reason to keep himself busy with missions. Nothing held him back anymore. The distance made him feel free, the darkness of the night the drinks made him feel free. Free from the world and free from himself. He wanted to get lost, feel as if he was another person. It was like entering a different world. He wanted more and more. He didn't know what, he just knew he lacked something. 

Making out with strangers at the bars he visited became a more frequent occurrence. He just led the drunken sex happen. Most of the time he didn't even remember their faces the next morning. He only remembered strong arms hands that took lead. Why wasn't he surprised that his type was not cute, shy girls but soldiers that didn't ask for names? There were no obligations and no questions asked. Was that what he wanted? He let everything happen.

It took a few months. Squall lowered Zells rank and with it his salary when he couldn't complete a mission and he client behind the mission complained about the SeeDs behaviour. There were no rules against drinking after a mission, but of course about being drunk on a mission. Zell accepted the punishment with his head hung low promising to better himself. And he did for a while.

Then he got in a fight with a guy a head taller than him at a bar. He won that night, but not the next night when the other brought some friends. They crushed his hand making him unable to do any missions for a few weeks. He got his rank lowered again. He disappointed Squall again. Sitting in his room he felt like he was going crazy.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally some progress. Zell and Seifer get to talk again.

Zell felt numb after his encounter with Seifer. Noone, not Quistis nor Squall had spoken to him like this. Instead they had started walking on eggshells around him. He had responded with childish acts of defiance thinning their patience. Now he felt like every ounce of energy had left his body. He tried snapping out of this mood, but nothing seemed to work. He punched the wall, but he barely registered the pain. He had hidden in his room for days now which didn't help. With a sigh he took Quistis book and his notes, left his room and searched for a hidden secluded area. He read a few pages, then he stuck on the same sentence. After reading it for the sixth time, he threw the book to the ground in utter frustration.

'If you don't want to read it, you can give it to me. I can even give you a summary so you can hand in your homework to Quisty.'

Zell looked at Seifer starring with an open mouth.

'I already finished all the books she gave to me.'

Both his body and mind failed to react. It was like the person in front of him belonged to a different reality. Pathetic.

'What? Not done sulking?' Seifer looked at him expectantly with a raised brow.

'You were the one who called me pathetic...so why are you bother talking to me?'

The other man simply shrugged. 'Just stop being pathetic.'

'I wish I could.' Zell snapped annoyed and really, that was how he genuinely felt.

'I dunno...you seemed pretty popular at Balamb and Garden. And being a SeeD and all. Seeing you here of all people really surprised me.'

With rising suspicion Zell eyed him. The anger and malice that was present so strongly a few days ago was gone. Instead he wore an uncrumpling mask of indifference.

'Hm. What do you even know?'

'Nothing, I guess. I've been here for the last few years.'

Zell rolled his eyes. 'Ah, how could I forget your horrible fate. You mentioned it before.'

Seifer ignored him. 'Well, can I have the book?'

'No!' Zell shouted and grabbed the book with a swift motion. As he looked at it he saw with horror the dog-ears his throw had caused. Seifer chuckled softly. 'I hate when they look like that.' Zell whined and tried to soften the creases in the paper.

'Okay.'

'Okay?' Seifer looked at him puzzled.

'I mean...' Zell mumbled. 'Not this....but Quistis gave me some other books. You can have them for now.'

'But don't dare to break the spines! Or you regret it.' he continued a bit louder.

He couldn't comprehend why he had given in. He went to his room to get the other books and handed them over to Seifer sheepishly.

Seifer grinned, then he bowed dramatically. ' I promise I'll bring them back in pristine condition and I would like to express my heartfelt gratitude to the most generous of all chickens.'

'Fuck you, too!' Zell said but couldn't help a small laugh.

It might be to both their surprise that they started spending time together without getting annoyed at each other. The only noise that could be heard from Seifer direction was the turning of the pages. The man was so focused while reading it actually helped Zell's restlessness. He didn't like being alone, but didn't like people getting too close either so having someone who was there but kept his distance was strangely comforting.

With a thud Seifer closed the book.

'What? You are already finished? How can you be so fast?'

Seifer shrugged. 'How can you be so slow?'

Zell rolled his eyes. 'And? How was it?'

'Hmm...it was okay. Not really my style. Kinda boring? You like this stuff?'

'Hmm...yes. I like my facts with not much stuff around it. So what do you prefer? Some of Quistis romance novels? Haha?!'

'Haha. That would just be silly.' he said with an empty expression, not joining Zell's snickering.

Zell's eyes went wide. 'No way! I had wrecked my brains about what stuff you and Quistis would talk about when she visits! I mean you two absolutely hated each other. I would have never thought you'd share the same secret.' He was still laughing, slapping his knee.

'If that makes you happy.' returned Seifer and it took Zell a few moments to realize the other man was looking at him intently. He stopped laughing.

'What?' He was confused as to what he had done wrong this time,

'Nothing.' Seifer leaned over to give him the book.

'Here. And see? It still looks like new.' Zell took it and eyed it from all sides.

'Good. You may live.' He grinned and waved his hand jokingly.

Quistis and Seifer had never physically fought back at Garden, but Zell could always feel the tension and hostility when the two were in the same room. Seifer never had any respect for teachers and even less for Quistis who was over a month younger than him. The harder Quistis had tried to make her respect him the worse it got ending with a mutual hatred that was awkward for anyone to witness.

'Really though...You used to hate each other so much. How come Quistis visits you? You never argue?' Zell's curiosity got hold of him.

'You answered the question yourself. Talking about steamy romance stuff.' Seifer remarked without any humour in his voice.

'Stop bullshitting. You two get along?' Zell didn't want to drop the subject again.

'You're annoying...chicken.'

'...Quistis remembers. About the orphanage.' Zell pressed more cautiously, ignoring Seifers teasing.

Seifer crossed his arms and leaned back. 'And?'

'Do you?.... I mean, do you remember? That we grew up there? And how you came to Garden?'

Seifers face grew darker, a crease forming between his. 'I do remember. Why do you ask?'

'How come you do remember?' Even Zell wasn't sure what he wanted to convey. 'Quistis said the time compression brought back memories she thought lost.'

'I do remember. Don't know since when. I think it was the connection with matron...It's-. Well, I don't care.'

'Ugh....I remember nothing...I think. It's just bits and pieces.' Why was he even talking about it?

'Why do you care? It doesn't matter.' Seifer tried to end the subject again.

'It does!' Zells fist hit the table. 'I hate it! It's like there should be something, but it's not.' It was the first time he even tried to put in words how the memory loss had affected him. It was more than simply forgetting, it was like nothing fitted into place anymore. The more he lost, the less sense everything made, the less real everything felt.

'When you entered Garden I didn't recognize you at first. You had another family name and you acted differently. It took me a while to make the connection. With the SeeD classes and GF training the connection got lost again.' He sighed. 'But what does it matter? I wouldn't have changed anything. People forget stuff all the time...Just drop it already.'

Seifer took another book with a sour expression. Zell wanted to object, but with the lack of proper words, he remained silent.


	10. Chapter 10

'Let's all write a diary!' Selphie had exclaimed in her carefree manner. She always had easy solutions no matter how big the problem. In secret Zell envied her. The petite girl was strange and there were people who found her annoying, but she just didn't care. Her focus was on things that made her happy and if there was something she didn't like, she either ignored it or changed it to her liking. It was quite scary how fearless she was.  
Losing your memory was scary. They had lost years worth of memories already and they never knew which memory might be wiped next.  
To Selphie it was easy. Just write a diary. She lived to her fullest, she lived 'now' and that was most important.

The first few times Zell tried to fill the pages he just stared at the blank paper. He had never written a diary before and had never sat down to reflect about his day or how he felt. At least he couldn't remember ever doing so. In the end he wrote a bit about Squall, a bit about his friends, just meaningless stuff.

It took him a while to get the hang of writing regularly. He missed a lot of days though. They had little time to stay still with the war going on around them. 

Before writing a new entry Zell browsed through the last entries when a line caught his eyes.

'I shouldn't have done that.' was written in angry letters so different from his normal neat and precise style. He frowned. What had he meant by that? What had he done, he had been so upset about that he had written it down. It was only two weeks ago, yet he couldn't remember and no other entry gave a hint towards its meaning.  
The whole week after reading the entry he was nervous around his friends. He watched closely how they looked at him and how they acted around him but no one acted hostile towards him. Maybe he should forget about it, maybe it didn't mean anything. Maybe that's why there was no explanation. But, if it wasn't important at all, why had he written it down in the first place? He didn't know what it was, but somehow these few words filled him with dread. He couldn't get it out of his head. It started to feel less like something his past self had written down in a moment of frustration or regret and more like an ominous message from far, far away.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

'Mr. Dincht, I'm glad you are starting to feel more comfortable here.'

The doctor looked at her notes with a slight professional smile on her face. Zell knew he couldn't hide and that he couldn't stay silent forever. Physically he felt much better, so he had no excuse anymore to skip appointments.  
His hand felt sweaty and he had no idea what to say or how to act.

'How are you feeling today?' He looked at her feeling lost. She smiled at him encouragingly. 'You can be honest.' 

'Uh...I'm feeling okay. I think. I feel a bit sick, but that's because I'm nervous, I guess.' He started unsure.

'Okay is a good start, don't you think? Why do you think you feel nervous?'

Zell scratched his neck.

'Maybe it's because I don't want to say anything wrong?'

'You don't seem quite sure. Be assured that everything you say stays between us. What would you consider a 'wrong' thing to say?'

'I don't know...It's just strange to talk about oneself. I never did this before.' Really, his mind was blank.

'Well, it's good to start now. You are the person you spend the most time with. Yet one rarely spends time trying to understand oneself. The better we understand ourselves, the better we can deal with what life throws at us and the better we can communicate with other people and understand them. 

Zell shifted awkwardly in his chair, the forced grin he had held the whole time faltering slightly. She eyes him with amusement.

'Don't worry. I'll help you, one step at a time.'

Zell sighed. 'Okay...but I really don't know what to say.'

Thoughtful she tapped her pen at her lips. 'Why don't you tell me a bit about yourself?'

'Um...like what?' He was sure she already knew a lot about him considering her notes.

She laughed. 'Anything is good. Let me get to know you.'

Zell coughed to clear his throat.

'I'm a SeeD. I entered Balamb Garden as a teen. My grandpa used to be a great soldier in the first sorceress war. He was really strong and a hero. He used to show me lots of stuff and told me lots of stories from all about the world. I really looked up to him.' Okay that wasn't too bad.

'He died when I was ten.' Looking at the ground Zell took a deep breath. 

'He was so strong and brave, really, he feared nothing. And then, he wasn't there anymore. Just like that.'

'It's hard to lose a loved one.' The doctor said to fill the silence. No shit, Zell thought.

'Yes...but I wanted to be strong for my mom. She was heartbroken, too. I didn't want her to be sad. And I wanted to be a soldier like my grandpa was. I really wanted to be strong like him. I got the tattoo, you know.'

'That's something to be proud of, right?'

'What do you mean?' He guessed she wasn't talking about his tattoo.

'I mean you supported your mother in a dire time. You set a goal at a young age and worked towards it. You reached your goal even. You became a strong and brave soldier.'

Zell laughed. 'Oh, I'm nothing compared to my grandpa. He was a real hero! He wasn't only strong. He was clever and everyone looked up to him. I can't believe he wasted his time on me.'

The doctor leaned forward. 'Don't you think that is harsh?'

'Huh?' Zell didn't know what she meant.

'Can you repeat what you just said?'

'That grandpa was awesome?'

'No, the part about you.'

That was the part where he must have said something wrong. He wasn't good with words and he had messed up so many times because spoke without thinking.

'Please, don't misunderstand...it's just...I'm not good. And I wasn't a good kid. I don't know why I got adopted. Others would have deserved it more. I sure as hell don't deserve grandpa or my mom.'

This wasn't going well. He shouldn't have said that.

'If you saw a child somewhere, even one that didn't behave well, would you ever think 'Oh, this child doesn't deserve a nice grandpa and no loving parents?''

'No. Of course not!'

'So, why do you say this about yourself? Yourself as a child?'

He wanted to get up and leave. This was going nowhere.

'This is different. I wasn't a good child.'

If she was getting frustrated with him, she hid it very well.

'So tell me, why do you think you weren't a good child? Is there any particular reason?'

He remembers his own voice. Crying so hard he could barely breathe. Tears and snot running over his face. Trashing his arms and legs around, the reason why he was crying was forgotten in his hysterics. He remembers...he doesn't remember. Some memories have only silence or white noise. Some memories are missing so many parts that he can't make sense of them. He remembers that the others didn't like playing with him. He is sure about that. His mom often struggled to calm him down and struggled to get him to sleep. He remembers so little. Can he even remember his grandpa's face? Or is it the face in the picture had hung up in his room he remembers?

'I...have trouble remembering details.'

'Hmm...the G.F. related memory loss?'

'I remember enough to know that I was a shit kid!' Zell is surprised at his sudden anger. 'And I'm still shit!'

The doctor didn't even blink at that and continued to look at him.

'You want reasons?' Zell grew more frustrated. 'I'm weak, I'm fucking stupid! I'm a coward. I'm a disgrace to my family, a disgrace to SeeD. I always do everything wrong....I hurt others. I couldn't even...' He felt so tired all of sudden, like all anger and tension left his body.

'Well...' she cleared his throat and started writing in her notes in swift motions. 'That's a lot of self-hatred you deal with. Don't worry, we'll work on it.'

Zell couldn't help rolling his eyes.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

The clouds hung low this afternoon. It was slowly getting colder and darker. The small lamp Seifer used to read cast his face in yellow like and created harsh shadows on his face. He looked unreal and distant. With his unmoving facial expression he looked like a statue.

'I was an annoying kid, right?'

Seifer didn't even stop reading. 'You are still annoying.'

'Ah..common...'

'You better ask Edea.'

Zell pouted even though the other couldn't see it.

'Can't do that now, can I?' Seifer didn't react.

'You used to tease me so much. And I know you hate me.' Zell continued.

Seifer finally turned with annoyance. 'It's hard not to!'

Zell just grinned. It was somehow reassuring to know that the other didn't like him. It didn't really matter if he annoyed Seifer or if Seifer annoyed him. There was no friendship to lose, there was no act he had to keep up.

'Okay, why do you care? Kids are fucking stupid. We all were fucking stupid kids....Well, some more than others, but you get the point.'

Zell didn't hide the disappointment in his face. 'I just want to make sense of everything...' he mumbled.

'When you arrived at the orphanage you didn't really talk.' Seifer began. 'You didn't want to play. I thought you were stuck up like those rich kids. Matron had all her focus on you. That I hated, too. You didn't sleep and just cried all night, so we couldn't get much sleep either.' Seifers quiet words felt so loud in the silence of the afternoon and Zell couldn't stand to look at him anymore.

'It got better after a while. You were fun to tease though. Squall never reacted, Selphie was hard to get upset, Quistis was too mature for arguments, Irvine was too timid...but you always reacted. You got angry, started crying and ran to matron. She scolded me and I was fine with that.'

'One day you kinda snapped. You even started hitting me.' Seifer chuckled amused. 'You fought like a girl. Scratching, hair pulling and all.'

The wind outside gently shook the leaves on the trees. A few fell down in slow circles.

'I don't remember that.' Zell said flatly. The trees looked nearly dark against the setting sun.

'I told you it doesn't matter. You were an annoying little crybaby. And you fight like a girl. Nothing changed about that. Nothing new.'

There was something oddly satisfying about the sound the empty plastic bottle made when it hit Seifer square in the face.

'And you are still an ass and you should work on your reflexes.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this wasn't so confusing. I wanted to give a bit more insight to the memory loss problem and why it affects Zell.  
> And sorry the therapy session was really awkward to write.


	11. Chapter 11

He couldn't see very far. Everything farther away was pitch black, yet everything close was so bright and sharp and saturated. People shouted. People ran. There were sounds of machinery and guns. It was so loud. Why was he standing here unmoving? He should seek cover. Instead he was feeling sluggish, like he didn't belong here. 'Zell!' He turned his head to the direction of the voice. 

Squall. 

He couldn't help but smile. 'Zell!' Squall shouted again, louder, panicked over the noise. I can't go over there, Zell wanted to say, but no sound escaped his mouth.   
I need to stay here, he whispered silently still smiling.  
Something hit his stomach like a punch. Irritated he lifted his hand. When he felt wetness he finally stopped starring at Squall to look down.  
Why were his fingers red? He starred. The red was so bright.

Oh, he voiced. There was a hole in his stomach, red flowing out of it staining his pants and dripping to the ground. The hole was so big he could have put his fist inside.

Suddenly it was silent, save for the drip-drip of the blood. Zell turned his face to Squall. But he was gone, everything was gone. There was only nothingness. Panic hit him. He looked at his stomach. The hole got bigger, there was so much blood it already covered the base of his shoes. His hand started shaking, his breathing quickened. He wanted to scream. His mouth was pressed shut. He needed to scream. He couldn't.

He did not scream when he woke up. With his heart racing he opened his eyes and felt tears running down his face. He sighed and lifted his shirt up looking at a tiny, nearly faded scar on his stomach.

'Stop being so dramatic...' he scolded himself, mimicking what he had heard many times before.

Zell didn't want to let the nightmare ruin his day but he felt achy and tired. Endlessly he stirred his coffee with a tiny spoon, his toast lay cold and forgotten on a plate in front of him. He didn't even like coffee. It was nearly 10 am. Normally he was never this late at breakfast. He was an early bird, but nowadays he had trouble getting up.

Seifer was the opposite. He was a rare sight in the morning. Zell was still holding the spoon, when the tall man appeared at the entrance of the cafeteria. He nodded slightly in his direction and ventured towards the the small selection of foods and beverages. It was ridiculous. Even doing daily things like getting his breakfast Seifer looked confident. Every thing he did seemed effortlessly. Even here, he acted as if he owned the place.

'You look white as a ghost, chicken.' Seifer sat down, on his tablet a black coffee, juice and some food. 'Didn't know you drink coffee.' he continued when Zell didn't react.

'I don't really like it...but I slept bad. I thought it would help.'

Seifer took his own cup of black coffee and drank the still steaming liquid. 

'You have to actually drink it, for it to work, you know.' Zell rolled his eyes. He wanted to grab his cup and take a sip, but his hand failed him and he spilled half of the cups content into his plate.

'Fuck.' he cursed and clumsily tried to soak up the liquid with a tissue with his other hand.   
'What are you doing...' Seifer didn't even sound mean, he just took his own tissue to help the cause. With his other hand Zell massaged his hand slowly and then tried to bend his slightly crooked fingers. He hated how his hands looked without gloves. He sighed. 'I hate this...'

How come he always made it so easy for Seifer to mock him?

'Does it hurt?' Seifer had continued to sip on his coffee as if nothing had happened.

'what?' 

'Your hand.'

'Ooh...' Zell said sheepishly. 'It's just kinda acting up sometimes. Especially in cold weather. I dunno...'

Seifer eyed him silently.

'It's not even a injury from the war.' He laughed. It sounded more bitter than intended. 'Just a bar fight gone wrong. They smashed it completely. I was used to broken fingers, but that was something else...'

Why was he even talking about it? It was humiliating losing like that, screaming in pain, begging them to stop.

Zell got up too fast, nearly tripping his chair over. 'I'll get a new coffee!'

Luckily he managed to get a new coffee without another spill. When he sat down he grabbed the cup with both his hands to not repeat his mishap and also to warm his hands up. He grimaced at his first sip. It was bitter and so hot he burned his tongue a little.

'How can you drink this?' said Zell and continued to drink.

'No one forces you to drink it. And you can always add milk, you idiot.' Seifer put a plate with a chocolate croissant in front of Zell. 'And eat something. Otherwise I have to keep up with your whining about stomach pains.'

He didn't say 'thank you', but smiled thankfully.

It as weired seeing Seifer sipping at his coffee and looking out of the window. One time in training he had to fight with him when they were still cadets. He remembers how he had looked in the others eyes and felt fear. Even though it was only training Seifer was ready to give all, he was sure the other was ready to kill. There was such a deep cold anger burning in his eyes.  
The only reason he didn't get injured in the fight was, that he mainly had focused on defending and refrained from attacking which angered Seifer even more and just proofed how much of a chicken Zell was.

Even now Seifers eyes were cold. Zell couldn't shake of a strange feeling of fear whenever he felt the other mans gaze. It was hard to forget how ready Seifer had been to end Rinoas life, the life of so many other...how many had he killed. How had it felt for Fu-Jin and Rai-Jin when Seifer chose his twisted dream over their friendship or whatever they had going on. Why had it all ended like this?

There was had hate, there was nothing and now he was sitting here eating breakfast. A normal, calm domestic scene. From an outsider it must look like there were two friends on a vacation. 

Was this real? Suddenly he got the urge to reach out and touch the others arm. He wondered if Seifers skin felt cold. Would it shatter into tiny pieces of he touched it?

He didn't move and he noticed that he didn't breathe when Seifer turned to him. He furrowed his brows.

'What's up?' he said looking annoyed but not sounding annoyed.

Panicking Zell waved his arms helplessly. 'Nothing! Nothing'

Seifer shrugged.

'You are weired, you know?'


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to finish this chapter much sooner, but I really struggled with the enigma that is Seifer :p

A positive side-effect with having his thoughts preoccupied with Seifer was that Zell spent less time pondering about himself. He prayed that the other man would never find out. While he tried to be subtle about it, he knew quite well, that he was one of the least subtle persons he knew.

The last few days and weeks they had so much time together, yet Zell was even further away from understanding him than he ever was before. 

Seifer the brother, Seifer the classmate, Seifer the bully. 

Seifer with his otherworldly skills. Acing every test and training session.

Seifer the rebel. 

Seifer the traitor. 

Seifer the sorceress knight. 

Seifer the enemy. 

Seifer who had lost and was abandoned.

Seifer, who now spent his days silently reading, watching the sky or watching whatever. Had he accepted his fate? Was he waiting? Was he regretting what he did? Regretting what he had done? Or simply regretting that he lost?

Zell had stopped reading some time ago, his thoughts drifting away. The two of them barely talked to each other when they were together. Why did Seifer even seek him out when all he did when they were together was reading or being annoyed. Well, being annoyed at everyone and everything was a Seifer trademark. 

Zell wondered if Seifer was even capable of looking happy. Squinting his eyes Zell had to admit that Seifer was objectively speaking quite attractive. Neither the scar nor the plain clothes and hairstyle he wore these days could hide it. His gloomy expression kind of ruined everything.

It was this pissed-off expression he saw when his eyes focused again.

'Uh.' he worded his shock.

'Fuck. What is it?' This time he wouldn't simply be able to laugh it of.

'I...' He what? There were so many questions burning inside him, ne never had dared to ask. But it's not like he had anything to lose. What was the worst that could happen? Seifer not talking to him anymore? That would hardly be a loss...

'Why did you do it...?' The question was out before he could stop himself. 

Seifers expression did not change.

'Do what?'

'You know...' Zell gestured with his hands. 'The whole running over to the enemy thing. Fighting Balamb. The whole....I don't know...trying to end the world-thing.'

It seemed to be the only subject that made Seifer somewhat uncomfortable. He looked away and Zell was not sure if he heard a sigh. Maybe he knew that he couldn't avoid the subject forever. Not with someone as nosy as Zell.

'At the trial the defense plead that I was under the influence of a spell or something. It's not like they know much about how the sorceress magic works.'

It was the first time Seifer mentioned the trial. Since it wasn't public, even Zell only knew about it from the one time Quistis had spoken about it. He had never thought about what had happened to Seifer and just assumed he had fallen victim to the war like many others. 

The thought had never crossed his mind that Seifer was forced to do what he had done. 

'So were you under a spell?' Zell was sceptical. That would be too easy. That could not be true, could it? Just when Zell started to play with the thought, Seifer laughed harshly.

'Bullshit. I wanted to be someone. More than a made up name.' A part in Zell that wanted to believe that there was some good in Seifer was disappointed. It hurt more than he wanted to admit.

'And I was pretty successful.' Seifer continued with a crooked smile.   
'I would have never passed Seed, no matter what. Not after they put all the blame on me despite them fucking it up.'

That was such a long time ago. The Seed test in Dollet and their first mission with the Timber Owls that went so wrong. It had been such a mess. They were like children not knowing what to do.

'Not many can say that their childhood dream came true. I had a whole army under my command.' said Seifer dramatically.

Zell was silent, pressing his lips together tightly.

'You look disappointed.' Seifer teased. It was frustrating. Everytime Zell thought he saw something good in Seifer the others vicious side awakened.

'So you only some power hungry asshole? Do you even care? ....Like about Trabia?' Zell spat. Feelings of anger and pain grew bigger and bigger inside him. Memories flashed before his eyes. Garden, his hometown. Wounded classmates, children even. Fearing for his mothers life.

'Attacking Balamb?'

That horrid prison with the guards that couldn't have been human because no human could be able to perform such cruel acts. How much he had wished he would just die instead of enduring all that.

'You were in that prison, too right? Did you like torturing people, too? Like those sick fucks working there?'

He did not want to remember.

'Did you know what they did?'

He did not want to remember. He had to stop his thoughts. Everything became twisted like a whirlpool of despair and darkness. It became harder to breath.

'How...' He lost the ability to think, to form sentences.

'Rinoa could be dead...and...' He stopped. He had to distance himself from his memories and just concentrate on breathing. 

'Zell... nothing good comes from talking about this.' Seifers voice was distant and sounded strangely soft. 

Zell took one long deep breath.

'That's all? You appear out of nowhere, acting like nothing happened. And you expect me to just roll with it? Not talk about it? Do you know how often this shit keeps me awake?' It took all his willpower and strength to look into Seifers eyes. This time he won. Seifer looked away.

'Okay. What should I say? I can't give you an answer to your questions. I'm sorry to disappoint you.' Seifer seemed to be struggling for words.

'I'm not a good person. I never was.' He paused. For a moment Zell thought that was all the other would say but then he continued.  
  
'But...I didn't want it to turn out like it did. I didn't want to cause so much destruction.' It sounded weak but sincere.

'It was like a story, so unreal.' Seifers voice changed again sounding more like his usual self. 

'A better person would have changed the outcoome. But I was not that person. And before I realized it, it was to late. There was no turning back. I had to keep going. I had to.'

There was a manic shine in Seifers eyes that scared Zell. It scared him because he had seen it in his own eyes before. More than once. When he had looked into the mirror and saw a dark twisted side of himself that scared him and was so tempting at the same time.

When he was so deep in his self-destruction. When it gave him a sick joy to get worse and worse and see how deep he could fall. When he knew he was slowly destroying himself and yet was unable to stop his actions. When he knew there was no turning back with all he had already done. Once a certain line was crossed there was no way to simply go back to how things were before.

But that did not compare to what Seifer had done. Zell tried to swallow his self-hatred and deflected it towards the person in front of him.

'What did you tell them at the trial? Did you tell them a sob story? Begged them to spare your life?', he spat but his anger was long clouded with conflicting emotion and his own insecurities.

'Idiot.' Seifer chuckled. 'There would have been only one good ending for the story. But they didn't grant me that.'

'What do you mean?' Zell was unable to keep up with Seifers way of thinking.

'Easy. If I had a say in this story there is only one fitting ending: An execution. But they ruined it.' Seifer sighed dramatically, which pissed Zell off even more than his statement.

'Is this a joke to you?' Zell banged his fist on the table startling Seifer.

'No...' Seifer gave no further explanation.

'After the incident at the TV station, they told us you were executed...' Zell remembered how shocked they all were and how badly Squall had reacted to the news. The reality of their line of work and an impending war had suddenly hit them.

'You must have been happy.' There was no accusation in Seifers tone. 

'What? No! We weren't! And that's not the point...Why would you rather get executed?'

'If he wanted to die he could just do it...' Zell did not say, but he couldn't shake of the thought.

'Living like this...It just shows that I'm not important enough the get executed. I won't be remembered. I'll be here as a nobody with a fake name doing nothing till I die.' For someone like Seifer that must be worse than death. 

'You at least know my name. You hate me. Because you know me.' Did Seifer really need that much attention, even if it was bad one? Was it better to be hated than to be forgotten?

'Which means it's all real. It happened....It wasn't a dream.' 

Just for a moment Zell caught a glimpse of confusion in Seifers expression. For a second he could make sense of it all even though he couldn't put in in words. This was Seifer, boasting, arrogant, never sorry, never unsure. His own pride build up by himself like a protective wall around him. If he got no affirmation by the adults around him, he just created his own world. Consumed by dreams of glory did he simply create his own reality.

The world was crazy. And it didn't make sense. Zell was guilty of running away from it all in his own way, not wanting to take responsibility.

A strong feeling of sadness spread inside Zell. He sighed.

'Yeah...all that shit was real. And all this shit here is real, too.' It sounded more mean and bitter than he wanted. 

'Hey...you started with all this...' Seifer defended himself still looking not like his usual unfaltering self. 'I told you, nothing good comes from talking about this stuff.'

'No. That's not true.' Zell felt sadness but there was also a feeling of hope. 'Maybe one day it will all make sense.' He allowed himself a small smile. 


	13. Chapter 13

He wasn't sure if it was because Seifer avoided him or if it was the other way around but they did not see each other for a few days.  
Feeling better than he had for weeks and months Zell did his best to focus himself. One of the therapists encouraged him to write a diary of some sorts and structure his days. He felt like a child doing his homework bit it actually helped him to sort his thoughts and keep him busy. But often his thoughts just kept spiraling. Written down in front of him they felt heavy and he avoided difficult topics because he could not find a solution anyway.

He had to get better but the thought of going back to Garden started to scare him. He wondered if there was talk about him. Of course there was. His career had taken a nose dive before he came here. It would never be like before. He would always be that guy, the crazy one. Not the good kind of crazy.

Simply thinking about it made him feel sick. He wished he could go back in time, no, he wished he would simply stop existing. He had the chance at a good life. Why couldn't he be normal?

He started thinking about how it would have been if his mom had adopted Squall or Seifer and not him. Zell could picture his grandfather being so very proud of them telling everyone about his talented grandkids. He saw his mom vividly before him showering Seifer in affection and appreciation. How would Seifer have turned out if his loving mom had raised him? His mind drew a blank. Seifer was simply Seifer.

They hadn't seen each other for a few days yet his mind drifted towards him. Anger had turned into confusion when thinking about the other man. Why did he care? He couldn't care less about what Seifer was thinking or how he ticked. It didn't matter to him was none of his problem. Wasn't it better if they all just erased Seifer out of their collective minds. Wasn't that what Seifer feared?

Zell bit his lip.

What was wrong with him? Now he started to actually feel sorry for that bastard.

It was on the forth day. It was raining like crazy and the sky was full of dark gray low hanging clouds.  
When Zell saw Seifer standing by a window he felt strangely calm and a touch of relief washed over him.

'Again this shitty weather, huh.' Zell said in a low voice joining Seifer at the window.

Seifer looked down on him. For a moment Zell feared the other man would say something about their last encounter but after a while Seifer answered.

'I like that weather.'

'Figures...'

Seifer didn't say more. Zell couldn't stand the silence.

'The weather is always so shitty here...This is like the most depressing place ever. How is one supposed to get better here?'

Zell made an exaggerated pout even though Seifer was most likely not able to see it. Too many seconds passed again, each one making Zell feel more nervous and lost.

Seifer cleared his throat. More seconds passed.

Without turning to Zell he asked: 'Your feeling depressed?'

What a stupid fucking question! He turned sharply towards Seifer who looked surprised because of the sudden movement.

'Yes, I'm fucking depressed.' he said bluntly. It felt weird saying it out loud. 

'Oh...' Seifer said slowly looking a bit lost with this new information. It didn't take him long to catch himself again.

'Something happened?...Or just like...generally depressed?'

Zell sighed. 'I dunno..." He shifted his body into a more relaxed stance. 'It's my moms birthday soon.'

'I see.' Seifer remarked clearly not understanding.

'My Balamb mom. You know.' Taking a deep breath Zel continued. ' We are not on speaking terms at the moment. Big argument. Because I did stupid stuff ...and you know...' He vaguely gestured with his hand and then let his arm fall in defeat.

'Um...sorry. I don't know much about family stuff.' It sounded so clumsy Zell couldn't help but laugh out. 

'You are trying to be nice!' Zell grinned through his teeth and resisted the urge to box the other man on his upper arm. 

Seifer rolled his eyes annoyed. 'What's wrong with you? There is nothing I can say right.'

'Sorry, it was just so weird coming from you.' Zell apologized. 

'I just meant it's different growing up in Garden.' Seifer continued and Zell started to feel bad for laughing earlier. 

While he was spoiled rotten and living a carefree life in Balamb others were not so lucky. Sure there were worse fates than being raised to be a soldier in Balamb Garden with a roof over your head and a good education but it wasn't family. A wave of guilt and shame hit Zell thinking about his mother.

He had taken many things for granted. Why had he messed everything up? Why couldn't he just...

'Sorry.' Zell said earnestly. Their eyes met and this time Zell didn't have look away.

'You are really hard to follow, you know that?' said Seifer with a slight sigh. 'You are moody and over the top and I have no idea whatever stuff you did the last few years because, if you remember, I'm stuck here. I don't know what's going on in the head of yours.'

That was true and Zell knew this perfectly well most of the time. More so it might be the reason he could act around Seifer the way did. To Seifer he was still like the stupid, hyper, seventeen year old kid who didn't know when to shut his mouth. And while the thought of his friends filled him with guilt, he didn't owe anything to Seifer. If anything Seifer owed him. Was that the reason he enjoyed his company? To feel better about himself?

'I could say it's none of your business...but really, it's just hard to talk about it. I'm not good with words.'

Why was he talking again? Was it simply because it didn't matter what Seifer thought about him? It didn't matter because he was confined here, he basically didn't exist anymore. Still....he was here. He was listening. No-one understood him. He didn't even understand himself. Why should he talk to Seifer?

'I don't get it myself. I don't want to be like this...'

'Like what?' Just being a normal guy, with normal emotions. Being able to remember stuff, not having confusing nightmares. Heck, he didn't care about saving the world or anything. All he wanted was just working, getting a girlfriend, starting a family, making his mom happy. Being a useful member of society leading a simple honest life. He didn't want to the weird one.

'I just want to be normal!'

Seifer laughed out. 'Says the guy with the face tattoo.'

'It's not about that!' Zell played with the hem of his hoodie. The sleeves were longer than they needed to be. 'You might believe it or not but I had a really nice girlfriend. She was everything I could ask for and mom loved her and was so happy.'

'What a shocker.' Seifer mocked and Zell kicked him with little enthusiasm.

'What I wanted to say.' Zell continued his voice raised. 'It was all perfect yet I managed to fuck it up. If I had just played along and did what everyone expected me to do...but I couldn't even play such an easy role.' Seifer turned slowly with an raised eyebrow.

'If this is just about you being gay and being dramatic about it or some boring shit.'

Zell eyes grew wide.

'Come on, chicken....not really. That's what made you freak out?' Zell couldn't decide if Seifer looked more amused or disappointed.

'It's more complicated than that. I...' 

'No-one cares chicken. You are the only one who cares. It's no big deal.' interrupted Seifer before Zell could say anything else.

'What would you know? I should have know you are just making fun of me.' Zell pouted. He should have known better and to not start a discussion with Seifer. The other wouldn't take him serious anyway.

'I'm not making fun of you. I'm just saying it's no big deal.' An amused expression that normally wasn't a good sign formed on Seifers face. 'I'll show you.'

'Wh-?' Zell couldn't even react when he felt a hand tuning his face with softly. His eyes turned wide when he looked directly into Seifers as the other mans face came closer. He stopped breathing and then Seifers lips met his. Maybe he should have pushed the taller man away. But he didn't. He stood unmoving watching Seifer who even closed his eyes. Of course he'd kiss like in a movie looking cool while Zell stood there like an idiot.

'See?' Seifer said when he pulled away.

See what, you bastard? Zell thought unable to speak. 

'Ah. That's a way to shut you up. Good to know.'

'Why did you do that?' Zell whispered.

'I told you. To show you it's no big deal. The world hasn't ended. You are overthinking stuff and your life would be easier if you'd give less fucks about what other people think. But you are too chicken, I guess.' 

Seifer was really acting like nothing had happened. Maybe that was the difference between them. When Seifer did stuff it was because he didn't care. When Zell did stuff, it was because he didn't think first.

He had been tot chicken to break up with the girl from the library. He was too chicken to tell anyone that he couldn't remember. He was too chicken to tell anyone he was struggling.

'Just don't...do it again.' Zell pressed his lips together. He could still feel and taste Seifer.

'You can just punch me next time if you don't like it.' Seifer teased and he sounded like he was looking forward to it.


End file.
